I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the day after is always just damage control
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You made out with two different species that night
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
