Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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