I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
