Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
