I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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