11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
