The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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