Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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