Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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