maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
