True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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