nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
