I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that đ I went with "no"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing âHappy Birthdayâ to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, âWhy didnât you sing along?!?â I responded, âI donât know him. I donât give a shit if he has a happy birthday.â
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