well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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