I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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