i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
