I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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