you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
