he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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