Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Your cock deserves a montage
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
