Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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