Whod you bang
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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