You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
