last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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