at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize