i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
