You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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