Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
