hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
