I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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