i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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