I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
