I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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