You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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