CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
