Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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