I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
