I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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