I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize