Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
