This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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