i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize