im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
