she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
