Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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