Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize