I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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