Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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