part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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