When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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