Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
