Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
When are your genitals available?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
