I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Everclear isn't food dammit
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
