I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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