A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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