I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm really into asian looking animals
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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