Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
